This story began one early morning, before the sun started shining, and I was about to leave for Changgi airport. I was having breakfast with my sister in Singapore. We were having a lovely chat. Just something to make sure nothing is left unsaid. After finishing my bread with butter and jam, my sister stood and said she had something she wanted me to taste before I left.

She opened her refrigerator and brought out something shaped like a block covered with tough aluminum, made messy by cheese that seemed to escape from the inside. She said it was philadelphia cheese. Okay.

I stood up, got my butter and jam covered knife and, without opening the cheese’s covering, scraped a little of the cheese on the outside using the part of the knife free from butter and jam. It tasted like butter and a little waxy. She said it shouldn’t so I tried again. I took a slightly bigger bit. But the taste of the second was no different from the first. She said I must be tasting the butter from my knife so I opened the wrapper and saw that the cheese had some herbal thing embedded in it. I showed it to my sister and asked if it was herbal cheese. She laughed and apologized to me. Upon closer examination, I realized the herbal growth I noticed was actually molds that spoiled the cheese.

I drank a couple glasses of water, scared I might get food poisoning. But I couldn’t wait any longer for medication because my plane was about to leave. My flight was hassle free. I was home in the Philippines safely. The day after, I experienced vertigo like symptoms. I did some research and learned sometimes food poisoning could cause stomach acidity and in turn make one nauseous. So for the last couple of days, I have been eating fibrous foods hoping to sweep whatever toxins I may have inside me.

But right now, I rethink things. This couldn’t be a mere toxin problem because my stomach is okay. I’m not acidic. My belly is never bloated. If it’s a problem caused by food poisoning I should be clean by now. I think the cause is caused by some tough choices I had to make in the recent past.

It’s funny because I tried to fool myself into believing I’m okay, and believed I fell for it. It was when I saw my face in the mirror⎯my dry face, that’s usually oily in the heat of summer, that is chapped in some places⎯that I realized how hard times have been on me. You see, I act normal, I don’t do foolish things and I get up early in the morning, as someone healthy would. I believed myself to be okay, but I bet my spirit is not.

You see, I am stepping on the thresholds of two doors. Behind me, my life. Everything I have invested myself in. Family. Friends. Before me, what I want to be and the design of my future. Inside me, the pain of separation, the joys of anticipation and a huge crack separating two parts for the two doors they yearn to get into. I wish I could leave one half behind. That way I wouldn’t have to worry about leaving anything. Because it makes me sick.I’m like your molded cheese. Normal in the outside. “Herbal growth” in the inside. I have butter and jam feet, always unsure, always soft.

And then one day I realize it’s the elections in our country. Nothing will change, really. Nothing will change especially if those who are charged to do something good for a change choose not to do anything at all. And then one day, I receive a letter saying “e tan, e epi tan” (come home with this, or on this.)